mwanakijiji
11-07-2008, 05:02 PM
Daily Mail
http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2008/11/06/article-1083726-02629A1F000005DC-503_468x367.jpg
There was a time, in the early days of their relationship, when Natalia Martin and her husband Alex made love every night. When they married ten years ago, Natalia took pride in keeping the romance alive.
Even after the arrival of their first child, the 35-year-old charity fundraiser made a superhuman effort to keep the spark going, swiftly shedding her baby weight and slipping into silky lingerie as soon as their baby son was asleep in his cot.
But that was almost nine years ago. Today, the Martins' marriage is effectively sexless.
Can a sexless marriage survive?
Long working hours has made sexless marriages an epidemic. But can a marriage survive without physical intimacy?
The arrival of a second baby, combined with the pressures of her 34-year-old husband's engineering career, a hefty mortgage and a stressful house move to Birmingham have driven a wedge between the couple which they fear will never be overcome.
As Natalia puts it: 'Somehow, normal life has got in the way. Alex and I are like the proverbial ships that pass in the night. By the time we fall into bed, we're just too shattered for sex.'
ttp://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2008/11/06/article-1083726-0262CE79000005DC-870_468x286.jpg
Their story is, of course, not uncommon. In fact, it is likely to sound all too familiar to millions of busy professional couples, especially those with children.
An estimated one in 20 British couples share a sexless marriage, and the end of the 'honeymoon period' has long been something of a bittersweet joke among couples who have been married for several years.
Even Madonna's ill-fated marriage to Guy Ritchie was, according to friends, sexless for the 18 months leading up to its collapse last month. The key question, of course, and the one which is being quietly asked by couples who feel that their sex lives are virtually non-existent, is whether or not a marriage without sex can survive.
Janice Hiller, a consultant clinical psychologist specialising in sexual relationships, says it's unlikely.
'If both husband and wife get on well in other ways and there is no distress over the lack of intimacy, then that's fine,' she explains. 'But for most people, sex is intrinsic to marriage.
'And if one party wants sex and the other doesn't, it can be terribly damaging. Typically, the rejected spouse will feel unloved, unattractive or neglected.'
What is curious is that according to Natalia, she and her husband adore each other.
They also find each other attractive. Neither of them has let themselves go during their ten-year marriage. Indeed, photographs taken when they first met in Birmingham in 1995 show they have barely changed at all.
'I'm as attracted to him today as I was all those years ago, and he says he feels the same about me,' says Natalia. 'We both had other relationships before we met, but the magnetism between us was intense. Alex is incredibly handsome. He has a gorgeous, muscular body, a beautiful face and is unfailingly kind.'
Natalie Martin at her Birmingham home
Natalia Martin's stressful life leaves her too tired for sex with her husband
She describes their early sexual relationship as 'amazing', and when the pair married in 1998, their ardour remained as strong as ever. 'We were so in tune with one another,' she says.
'When we had our first child a year later and I saw what a wonderful, hands-on dad he was, I found that so attractive. While I was pregnant, I'd read stories about women who had babies and then went off sex with their husbands, and I was determined that would not happen to us.'
Once she'd recovered from the birth Natalia made a concerted effort to make sure she and Alex still felt like a young couple in love.
'I was fortunate that the baby weight melted away while I was breastfeeding, and soon my figure was a size eight again,' she adds. 'Our sex life didn't suffer at all, despite being new parents.'
But in a scenario that will ring true for many, that all changed when baby number two came along in July 2006, followed by a stressful house move.
'My second son breastfed constantly - but this time the weight didn't fall off,' says Natalia, who went up to a size 16 while pregnant and was a 12 after the birth. 'I was very sore from the birth, and exhausted from the constant feeding.
'Then, just a week after the birth, Alex signed a deal to take on premises to launch his own engineering business. It was a time of immense stress and upheaval. We got into a habit of not making love, and we didn't deal with it. We'd make love once every three months at best - that's just four time a year.'
Matters worsened last year when they bought a 100-year-old house that needed renovating. As their living costs rose, Alex worked six or seven days a week and Natalia was forced to take a part-time job as a charity fundraiser to cover soaring food, fuel and energy bills. Juggling the job with managing a home and children has left her exhausted.
'It's draining,' she says. 'I feel my daily workload has doubled, and it's causing resentment between us. We never used to argue, but these days we do.
'I'd be happy if I was a full-time mum and housewife. I'm exhausted at the end of each day - yet society expects that women should still have the energy to walk into the bedroom wearing sexy high heels.'
Since 2006, the only intimacy in the Martins' marriage has been a stolen kiss or a touch of the hand.
'I can't believe this is happening to us,' says Natalia. 'I have worried whether he might have an affair because we don't make love any more. What if our marriage remains sexless and we end up two strangers with nothing left to hold us together?'
According to psychologist Janice Hiller, Natalia's story is far from unusual, although many women are too ashamed to voice their concerns.
'Most marriages go through periods when sex is less frequent than normal, typically after a major event such as having children, moving house, suffering bereavement, or changing jobs,' she says.
'But couples need to acknowledge the importance of sex - planning it and looking forward to it the way they would a holiday or a night out.'
Natalia Martin with husband Alex ten years ago when they made love every night
Natalia Martin with husband Alex ten years ago when they made love every night
It's a scenario that Ruth Hallam, 35, a psychologist from Bath, has played a million times over in her head. Though she has been with husband Chris, 35 and a paediatrician, for eight years and married for two, they haven't made love since just after their wedding in July 2006.
'I desperately want to have sex with my husband, but he just isn't interested - although he maintains that he loves me dearly and that it's sex that he's gone off, not me,' she says.
It's a difficult equation to comprehend, and one that has left Ruth feeling confused, lonely and frustrated in equal measure.
'We went through the usual honeymoon period when we first started dating in 2000,' she says. 'Our sex life was good, but inevitably we settled into normalityafter about two years and had sex about once every three weeks.
http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2008/11/06/article-1083726-02629A1F000005DC-503_468x367.jpg
There was a time, in the early days of their relationship, when Natalia Martin and her husband Alex made love every night. When they married ten years ago, Natalia took pride in keeping the romance alive.
Even after the arrival of their first child, the 35-year-old charity fundraiser made a superhuman effort to keep the spark going, swiftly shedding her baby weight and slipping into silky lingerie as soon as their baby son was asleep in his cot.
But that was almost nine years ago. Today, the Martins' marriage is effectively sexless.
Can a sexless marriage survive?
Long working hours has made sexless marriages an epidemic. But can a marriage survive without physical intimacy?
The arrival of a second baby, combined with the pressures of her 34-year-old husband's engineering career, a hefty mortgage and a stressful house move to Birmingham have driven a wedge between the couple which they fear will never be overcome.
As Natalia puts it: 'Somehow, normal life has got in the way. Alex and I are like the proverbial ships that pass in the night. By the time we fall into bed, we're just too shattered for sex.'
ttp://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2008/11/06/article-1083726-0262CE79000005DC-870_468x286.jpg
Their story is, of course, not uncommon. In fact, it is likely to sound all too familiar to millions of busy professional couples, especially those with children.
An estimated one in 20 British couples share a sexless marriage, and the end of the 'honeymoon period' has long been something of a bittersweet joke among couples who have been married for several years.
Even Madonna's ill-fated marriage to Guy Ritchie was, according to friends, sexless for the 18 months leading up to its collapse last month. The key question, of course, and the one which is being quietly asked by couples who feel that their sex lives are virtually non-existent, is whether or not a marriage without sex can survive.
Janice Hiller, a consultant clinical psychologist specialising in sexual relationships, says it's unlikely.
'If both husband and wife get on well in other ways and there is no distress over the lack of intimacy, then that's fine,' she explains. 'But for most people, sex is intrinsic to marriage.
'And if one party wants sex and the other doesn't, it can be terribly damaging. Typically, the rejected spouse will feel unloved, unattractive or neglected.'
What is curious is that according to Natalia, she and her husband adore each other.
They also find each other attractive. Neither of them has let themselves go during their ten-year marriage. Indeed, photographs taken when they first met in Birmingham in 1995 show they have barely changed at all.
'I'm as attracted to him today as I was all those years ago, and he says he feels the same about me,' says Natalia. 'We both had other relationships before we met, but the magnetism between us was intense. Alex is incredibly handsome. He has a gorgeous, muscular body, a beautiful face and is unfailingly kind.'
Natalie Martin at her Birmingham home
Natalia Martin's stressful life leaves her too tired for sex with her husband
She describes their early sexual relationship as 'amazing', and when the pair married in 1998, their ardour remained as strong as ever. 'We were so in tune with one another,' she says.
'When we had our first child a year later and I saw what a wonderful, hands-on dad he was, I found that so attractive. While I was pregnant, I'd read stories about women who had babies and then went off sex with their husbands, and I was determined that would not happen to us.'
Once she'd recovered from the birth Natalia made a concerted effort to make sure she and Alex still felt like a young couple in love.
'I was fortunate that the baby weight melted away while I was breastfeeding, and soon my figure was a size eight again,' she adds. 'Our sex life didn't suffer at all, despite being new parents.'
But in a scenario that will ring true for many, that all changed when baby number two came along in July 2006, followed by a stressful house move.
'My second son breastfed constantly - but this time the weight didn't fall off,' says Natalia, who went up to a size 16 while pregnant and was a 12 after the birth. 'I was very sore from the birth, and exhausted from the constant feeding.
'Then, just a week after the birth, Alex signed a deal to take on premises to launch his own engineering business. It was a time of immense stress and upheaval. We got into a habit of not making love, and we didn't deal with it. We'd make love once every three months at best - that's just four time a year.'
Matters worsened last year when they bought a 100-year-old house that needed renovating. As their living costs rose, Alex worked six or seven days a week and Natalia was forced to take a part-time job as a charity fundraiser to cover soaring food, fuel and energy bills. Juggling the job with managing a home and children has left her exhausted.
'It's draining,' she says. 'I feel my daily workload has doubled, and it's causing resentment between us. We never used to argue, but these days we do.
'I'd be happy if I was a full-time mum and housewife. I'm exhausted at the end of each day - yet society expects that women should still have the energy to walk into the bedroom wearing sexy high heels.'
Since 2006, the only intimacy in the Martins' marriage has been a stolen kiss or a touch of the hand.
'I can't believe this is happening to us,' says Natalia. 'I have worried whether he might have an affair because we don't make love any more. What if our marriage remains sexless and we end up two strangers with nothing left to hold us together?'
According to psychologist Janice Hiller, Natalia's story is far from unusual, although many women are too ashamed to voice their concerns.
'Most marriages go through periods when sex is less frequent than normal, typically after a major event such as having children, moving house, suffering bereavement, or changing jobs,' she says.
'But couples need to acknowledge the importance of sex - planning it and looking forward to it the way they would a holiday or a night out.'
Natalia Martin with husband Alex ten years ago when they made love every night
Natalia Martin with husband Alex ten years ago when they made love every night
It's a scenario that Ruth Hallam, 35, a psychologist from Bath, has played a million times over in her head. Though she has been with husband Chris, 35 and a paediatrician, for eight years and married for two, they haven't made love since just after their wedding in July 2006.
'I desperately want to have sex with my husband, but he just isn't interested - although he maintains that he loves me dearly and that it's sex that he's gone off, not me,' she says.
It's a difficult equation to comprehend, and one that has left Ruth feeling confused, lonely and frustrated in equal measure.
'We went through the usual honeymoon period when we first started dating in 2000,' she says. 'Our sex life was good, but inevitably we settled into normalityafter about two years and had sex about once every three weeks.