mwanakijiji
11-07-2008, 07:10 PM
How To Poop at Work
We've all been there but don't like to admit
it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly
felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast
around the office so the smell is not in your area and
everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it
came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to
make sure the smell has left your pants.
*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before
pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are
others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be
careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
bathroom.
*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a
sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do
not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.If you are a
man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing
makes both parties feel uneasy.
*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip
out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic.
Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to
spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the
instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of
air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can
help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink,
to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This
can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and
busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the
smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the
COURTESY FLUSH.
*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at
work and is Dog gone proud of it. You will often see an Out
Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for
the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
*THE POOPING FRIENDS
NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of
co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping
goes off without incident. This group can help you to
monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and
identify SAFE HAVENS.
*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors
that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the
odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you
are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is
one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can
occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in
the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new
entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can
be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd
Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a
SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to
alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a
stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when
hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing
incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a
diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
*AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger
around forever...Could spend extended lengths of time in
front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An AUNT BETTY
makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you
should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This
benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees!
SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF~
The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed
Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all
sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.
Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before
you poop.
Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the
third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This
poop usually happens at someone else's house.
The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your
rear before it falls into the water.
The Crippler = The kind of poop that comes out sideways
where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist
down.
The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you
when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And
when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise..
NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE
QUIT LAUGHING... POOPING IS A NATURAL PROCESS
We've all been there but don't like to admit
it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly
felt something brewing down below. As much as we try to
convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable.
For those who hate pooping at work, following is the
Survival Guide for taking a dump at work.
*CROP DUSTING* When farting, you walk really fast
around the office so the smell is not in your area and
everyone else gets a whiff, but doesn't know where it
came from. Be careful when you do this. Do not stop until
the full fart has been expelled. Walk an extra 30 feet to
make sure the smell has left your pants.
*FLY BY* The act of scouting out a bathroom before
pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are
others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be
careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the
bathroom.
*ESCAPEE* A fart that slips out while taking a pee or
forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a
sudden wave of embarrassment. If you release an escapee, do
not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen.If you are a
man and are standing next to the farter in the urinal,
pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee. It is
uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing
makes both parties feel uneasy.
*JAILBREAK* When forcing a poop, several farts slip
out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic.
Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom to
spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.
*COURTESY FLUSH* The act of flushing the toilet the
instant the poop hits the water. This reduces the amount of
air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can
help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.
*WALK OF SHAME* Walking from the stall, to the sink,
to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This
can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and
busts you. As with farts, it is best to pretend that the
smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the
COURTESY FLUSH.
*OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER* A colleague who poops at
work and is Dog gone proud of it. You will often see an Out
Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or
magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for
the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.
*THE POOPING FRIENDS
NETWORK (P.F.N)* A group of
co-workers who band together to ensure emergency pooping
goes off without incident. This group can help you to
monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and
identify SAFE HAVENS.
*SAFE HAVENS* A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the
building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors
that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the
odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
*TURD BURGLAR* Someone who does not realize that you
are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is
one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can
occur when taking a poop at work. If this occurs, remain in
the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will
avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.
*CAMO-COUGH* A phony cough that alerts all new
entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can
be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd
Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with a
SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
*SHIRLEY TEMPLE* A subtle toe-tapping that is used to
alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a
stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is
occupied. If you hear a SHIRLEY TEMPLE, leave the bathroom
immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.
*WATERMELON* A poop that creates a loud splash when
hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing
incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a
diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.
SHIRLEY TEMPLE.
*AUNT BETTY* A bathroom user who seems to linger
around forever...Could spend extended lengths of time in
front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An AUNT BETTY
makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you
should always wait to poop when the bathroom is empty. This
benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees!
SOME VARIETIES OF POOP YOU SHOULD BE AWARE OF~
The King Poop = This kind is the kind of poop that killed
Elvis. It doesn't come until you're all
sweaty, trembling and purple from straining so hard.
Bali Belly Poop = You poop so much you lose 5 lbs.
Cement Block = You wish you'd gotten a spinal block before
you poop.
Cork Poop (Also Known as Floater Poop) = Even after the
third flush, it's still floating in there. How do I get rid of it? This
poop usually happens at someone else's house.
The Bungee Poop = The kind of poop that just hangs off your
rear before it falls into the water.
The Crippler = The kind of poop that comes out sideways
where you have to sit on the toilet so long your legs go numb from the waist
down.
The Chitty Chitty Bang Bang = The kind of poop that hits you
when you're trapped in your car in a traffic jam.
The Party Pooper = The giant poop you take at a party. And
when you flush the toilet, you watch in horror as the water starts to rise..
NOW EVERYONE TRY TO GO POOP IN PEACE
QUIT LAUGHING... POOPING IS A NATURAL PROCESS